The Castle
by cheepcheepcheep
Summary: King Leopold is so happy that Sidney Glass is his best friend, and he loves Queen Regina so much. Snow White is having problems with the infamous magic dealer Rumple-R, but nobody really seems to care. Archie always plays psychologist with us. Can you really trust anyone?
1. Chapter 1

**This is a reimagining of the season 1 episode "Fruit of the Poisonous Tree". I don't own OUAT or Tommy Wiseau's masterpiece, The Room. I can only aspire to ever come up with something as brilliant as the latter.**

Leopold was very excited. Ever since his first wife had died, he'd been looking for a new mother figure for his dearest daughter, Snow White. ..Well. One could only assume she was his daughter. She was just kind of this kid that hung around sometimes.

Anyway, after years of searching, Leopold finally found a woman he'd fallen in love with. Her name was Regina. After she'd saved Snow's life, Leopold had decided she was going to be his future wife. After a long day of being King, he trudged back to his castle wearily – but his spirits were instantly lifted at the thought of seeing the woman he loved.

He entered the room to see Regina talking to a mirror. She did that some times. Archie suggested she might be crazy, but then again…Archie always played psychologist with them. Regina instantly stopped and put the mirror down as soon as she saw him, so Leopold didn't give it much thought. "Hi babe!" he greeted her. "I have something for you!"

Regina just kind of stared at him blankly. "What is it?"

"Just a little something." Leopold was trying very hard to sweep her off her feet by being mysterious. But he could no longer handle the anticipation. In the next moment, he revealed what he was hiding behind his back: a long red dress with a rather alarmingly low neckline. The kind of dress that an evil queen would wear. Not that Regina was an evil queen.

Regina just kind of stared at it in disgust for a moment. "Leopold, it's beautiful, thank you." she finally flatly stated. Leopold misinterpreted her lack of enthusiasm for total enthusiasm and grinned proudly until Regina spoke again. "Can I try it on now?" She was just sort of looking for an excuse to get away, but Leopold nodded immediately.

"Sure, it's yours."

"I'm gonna try it on right now." Regina said again.

"Mm hmm." Leopold just kind of grunted. As she headed upstairs, he sat down on the sofa to wait for her.

One cheesy transition later, Regina came walking down the stairs in her new red dress. Leopold immediately gasped. "Wow, you look so sexy Regina!"

Regina twirled around once. "Isn't it fabulous?"

Leopold suspiciously avoided the question by commenting, "I would do anything for my girl."

Just then, Snow White bounded into the room.

"OH HEY GUYS!" she giggled.

"O hai Snow!" Leopold called from where he was lounging on the couch. Regina just kind of grimaced. Snow turned to her expectantly, then blinked.

"Wow! Look at you!" she gasped.

"It's from your father." Regina replied, her lack of enthusiasm still painfully evident. However, everyone in the room continued to remain oblivious.

"Anything for my princess." Leopold drawled with a creepy laugh, though it was unclear as to whether he was talking about Regina or Snow at this point.

Snow frowned suddenly. "How much was it?" she asked. She was constantly concerned about her father overspending the royal funds.

Regina rolled her eyes. "Snow, don't ask a question like that." she scolded.

Snow didn't respond, and Leopold rose from the couch before the conversation could continue any further. "Nice to see you, Snow." he said, despite the fact that she was his daughter and he saw her everyday. Leopold turned pointedly to stare at Regina. "I'm going to take a nap." he announced.

Regina smiled knowingly.

"Can I go upstairs too?!" Snow asked excitedly.

"Ha ha ha." was Leopold's only response.

"Snow, I think I'm gonna join him." Regina said.

"Ha ha." Leopold laughed again, taking Regina's hand and leading her upstairs

Snow was left downstairs, alone. She watched the pair head upstairs and out of sight, a bit wistfully. Then she suddenly picked an apple off the table - a bright red, totally-not-suspicious looking apple that Regina had given her earlier that day - and took a bite out of it.


	2. Chapter 2

**A special thank you to my first reviewer, doyouunderstandlife. Your words of encouragement inspire me to write and to live.**

Snow suddenly felt drowsy after eating the apple. She chugged a quick cup of coffee to remedy that, and hurried upstairs after Leopold and Regina. What were they up to?

When she reached their room, she entered and found them…throwing pillows at each other. It was so nice to see them both looking so happy! Cheerfully, Snow hurried over and threw herself onto the bed, laughing right along with them as they enjoyed their happy family moment.

"Snow…don't you have something else to do?" Leopold asked as he stopped laughing abruptly.

Snow smiled. "I just like to watch you guys." She replied casually.

Regina grimaced at that. Carefully hiding her rage, she simply smiled and ruffled Snow's hair. "Oh, Snow."

"Snow, two is great, but three is a crowd." Leopold remarked bluntly.

Snow thought for a minute. "Oh, I get it." She sighed after a moment. "You guys want to be alone."

Leopold grinned. "That's the idea!" he said. Beside him, Regina kept a vapid smile plastered to her face.

Snow considered this for a moment and then sighed, trying not to show how dejected she felt. "Fine. I have horses to ride anyway." She replied glumly. Things didn't typically end well when Snow rode a horse. Oddly, two things always seemed to happen: Cora always seemed to be mysteriously present at the time, and the horse Snow was riding would always go wild. Everyone usually shrugged it off as a coincidence. "Bye lovebirds…" she said, leaving the room.

"Bye Snow." Leopold said.

"Bye Snow." Regina said.

One really, really awkward night for everyone involved later, Leopold headed off to tend to kingdom affairs. He was currently king of the Enchanted Forest, but he hoped they would soon promote him to being king of the entire world.

Regina, for the remainder of the morning, was left alone. Her mother, Cora, was due to come over some time that day, and Regina rolled her eyes at the very thought. She did not enjoy Cora's company. She was a stupid bitch.

She was brought out of her angry thoughts, however, when Cora herself strode confidently into the room. Regina looked up disdainfully, and with her ever-present lack of enthusiasm, greeted her. "Hi mom, how are you?"

Cora sauntered over, fawning over her daughter for a moment and kissing her on the cheek. "I'm fine, how are you?" Not waiting for an answer, she practically shoved Regina towards the couch. "Sit down." She ordered. Once Regina did so, Cora sat down next to her. "Now, what's happening with you, hmm?"

Regina shrugged, avoiding her gaze. "Nothing much. Do you want some coffee?" she asked, subtly slipping poison into the coffee cup she offered.

Cora ignored her, hellbent on making sure her daughter wasn't doing anything that might make her a disappointment. "What's wrong? Tell me." She demanded firmly.

"I'm not feeling good today." Regina replied at least.

Cora snorted. "Why not?"

Regina drew a breath, preparing herself to unleash this shellshocking news. "I don't love him anymore." She announced grimly.

To be honest, Cora didn't really care. Love was weakness, after all. But, wanting to hear more, she pressed on. "_Why _don't you love him anymore, tell me."

Pausing to go through the many, many reasons she didn't love Leopold, Regina settled on the one that, in her mind, was the most grievous offense. "He's so _boring_." she replied, seething with rage at the thought.

Cora raised her eyebrows in surprise. "He supports you. He provides for you. And darling, you can't provide for yourself." She pointed this out with a condescending smirk. It was true – what else would her good for nothing daughter do if she wasn't queen? "He's a wonderful man, and he loves you very much. And his position is _very secure_. And he told me he plans to buy you another castle." Surely, that would be enough to change Regina's mind.

Regina scoffed. "That's why he's so boring!"

Fed up with her daughter's shit, Cora rolled her eyes. "What are you going to do?"

"I don't know. I don't mind living with him." Regina smirked a little.

"Well, you can't do that." Cora scolded. "Have you talked to him about it?"

"No. I don't know what to do." Regina admitted. _Except kill him. _She thought privately.

Cora patted her arm. "Well, he's a wonderful person, and he's getting a promotion very soon." Soon, Leopold would be king of the world. Making Regina queen of the world. Cora would be so proud. "Now he bought you a horse, he bought you a ring…clothes, whatever you wanted. Now you want to dump him? That's not _right_. I've always thought of him as my son in law. You should stay with Leopold, he's good for you." Cora finally paused in her nonsensical rambling to draw a breath.

Regina forced a smile. "I guess you're right about that."

"Well of course I'm right, I _know _men. I wasn't born yesterday." Cora informed her. "I'm glad you're listening to your mother. Nobody else listens to me." Cora had always wanted power, always wanted people to listen to her, but no one ever did.

"You're probably right about that, mom." Regina snarked.

Cora chose to ignore that. "Well, I'm glad you're listening to me. Listen, I've got to go." She stood up abruptly. "But you remember what I told you, okay?" She flicked Regina condescendingly on the nose, and Regina nodded. "Mm hmm." Cora continued sassily. "Bye-bye, now." And with that, she vanished in a puff of magical smoke.

As soon as she was gone, Regina's expression darkened. "Thanks, mom." She said evilly.


	3. Chapter 3

Sidney was a very happy man. He had once been a genie, imprisoned in a lamp, but Leopold had freed him. The two had quickly become best friends, and Leopold had invited Sidney back to the kingdom.

But as soon as Sidney, stunning man that he was, caught Regina's eye, trouble was sure to follow.

His phone was ringing. The Enchanted Forest had recently gotten cell phone service thanks to the Blue Fairy's technological savvy. He picked it up and answered. "Hello?"

"Hey baby, how you doing?" Regina's voice purred.

"Oh hey, how you doing?" Sidney asked redundantly. "Yeah, I'm very busy, what's going on?" He actually wasn't doing anything but lounging on the couch at the moment, but he wanted to seem cool and like he had an actual life.

"I just finished talking to my mom, she gave me this big lecture about Leopold."

"Look, we'll talk about it later, I told you I'm very busy." Sidney really wanted to stress that part.

Regina grew angry. "We'll talk about it _now_. Whenever you say 'we'll talk about it later', we never do. I can't wait until later. I want to talk right. Now. You owe me one, anyway." She added mysteriously.

Sidney laughed. "Okay, alright, what do you wanna talk about?" he said, already forgetting what she'd told him.

Now that she had the okay, Regina instantly jumped right into complaining. "She's a stupid bitch, she wants to control my life. I'm not going to put up with that. I'm going to do what I want to do, and that's it." She paused, enjoying her moment of clarity and independence…before abruptly faltering. "What do you think I should do?"

"Well why do you ask me? You know, you've been very happy with Leopold." Sidney snorted, trying to hide his jealousy. "What do you want me to say? I mean, you should enjoy your life." After all, this was the Enchanted Forest. Everyone got a happy ending. He frowned at the pause that followed. "What's the problem?"

He could practically hear Regina smirking as she spoke. "Maybe…you're right. Can I see you tomorrow?"

"Okay." Sidney replied, trying to sound casual. "How about noon?"

"I'll be waiting for you. Bye." Regina told him creepily before hanging up.

"Alright, see you." Sidney hung up as well.

The next day, Sidney arrived promptly at noon. Regina hurried to open the door.

"Hi. How you doing?" Sidney asked with a grin as he stepped inside.

"I'm fine, come in." Regina purred, resting a hand on his shoulder and closing the door with a soft click. She led him over to a chair. "Have a seat." She said, shoving him down and then slinking around him in a way that she hoped seemed seductive. Sidney looked up at her uncertainly as she poured him a glass of her famous apple cider.

"Thank you." He said politely.

Regina randomly began undoing the buttoning of the coat she was wearing for no particular reason. "It's hot in here." She said, abandoning anything that resembled subtlety. "Do you mind?"

Sidney blinked. "No." He watched as she removed her coat to reveal a dress that was ridiculously different from the prim, proper ones she usually wore. This one was an Evil Queen dress. _This _one had cleavage. Regina lightly brushed her fingers against his arm as he stared at her, and Sidney just sort of gave her an awkward smile.

"I mean, the candles…the music…" Sidney remarked, despite the fact that neither of those things were actually present. "…the sexy dress, I mean, what's going on here?" Sidney had never been very good at picking up social cues.

Regina slunk over and sat down next to him, leaning in close. "I like you…very much…mirror boy." she told him, trying to sound seductive as she placed a hand on his cheek.

Sidney smiled bashfully. "What are you doing this for?" he asked, still not catching on.

"What's a matter? Don't you like me?" Regina asked with a playful grin. "I'm your girl."

Sidney sighed, finally catching on to the romantic mood. He felt a twinge of guilt, and pulled her hand away from his face. "Leopold is my _best friend_. Alright? You're going to be married next month, come on…"

Regina gave an irritated sigh, placing both of her hands on his face now and leaning in even closer. "_Forget_…about Leopold. This is between you…and me." she murmured.

Sidney had to admit, it was tempting. He'd always been creepily attracted to Regina. But Leopold was his best friend, and had saved him from the lamp! He couldn't take the guilt anymore. "I don't think so. I'm leaving now." was his abrupt response as he tried to stand up, practically knocking Regina over in the process.

"Please, don't leave." Regina insisted. "I need you. I _love_ you." It was weird, because they'd only met a couple of days ago. "I don't want to be queen anymore, I don't love Leopold. I dream about you…I need you to make love to me…"

"I don't think so." Sidney shut her down in the middle of her impassioned speech. "Everything's going to be fine, I promise."

Regina pouted, taking both of his hands and pulling him up out of the chair. Ever so slowly, she leaned in and pressed her lips to his. Despite the fact that he'd just rejected her, Sidney kissed her back eagerly. Blindly, Regina guided them over to the palace stairs, which was clearly the best place for gettin' it on. Which was exactly what they proceeded to do as cheesy music began to play in the background.

Afterwards, they dressed in awkward silence – made even more awkward by the fact that they were still sitting on the stairs.

"God, why did you do this to me?" Sidney suddenly exclaimed in anguish. He sighed. "Why? Johnny's my best friend."

Regina pouted. "Didn't you enjoy it?"

"That's not the point!"

"I love you, Sidney." Regina reminded him.

Sidney fidgeted uncomfortably. "Look, you're very attractive. Alright? You're beautiful! But we can't do this anymore!" And that decision was final. He would never flirt with, never touch, never even _look _at Regina again. Leopold was his best friend. "I can't hurt Leopold."

"I know." Regina said, disguising a slight scowl. "He's your best friend."

"Hey," Sidney said suddenly, getting an idea. "This'll be our secret!"

Regina just smiled, leaned in, and kissed him again. Sidney kissed back, instantly forgetting his earlier decision.

There's was a romance for the ages.


	4. Chapter 4

Completely oblivious to the fact that his wife was cheating on him, Leopold – being the kind, loving, perfect, beautiful man that he was – went to the local flower shop to buy Regina a little something. He headed into the shop and smiled at the owner, Granny. Granny pretty much owned every business in the kingdom.

"Hi." Leopold greeted her.

Granny glanced up. "Can I help you?"

"Can I have a dozen red roses please?"

"Oh hi Leopold, I didn't know it was you." Granny grabbed the roses quickly and handed them to him. "Here you go."

"That's me!" Leopold said. "How much is it?"

"That'll be eighteen dollars."

"Here you go, keep the change." Leopold turned briefly to Red Riding Hood, who was standing nearby, and patted her on the head. "Hi doggie."

"You're my favorite customer!" Granny called after him as he left the shop.

"Thanks a lot, bye!" Leopold said as he shut the door.

Meanwhile at the castle, Regina was getting hungry. She'd just finished ordering a pizza when there came a knock at the door. "Who is it?" she called.

"Snow White!" Snow's cheery voice called back.

Regina blinked but shrugged off the fact that Snow was knocking at the door of her own home. Snow had probably been off at that cabin she was so obsessed with. She walked over and opened the door. "Hey Snow, how are you doing?" she greeted calmly.

"Fine," Snow replied with a grin as she stepped inside. "What's new?"

"Actually, I'm really busy." Regina lied. She glanced over at the poisoned, now-cold coffee that she'd offered Cora yesterday. "Do you want something to drink?"

Snow shook her head. "I'm fine! I just want to talk to my father. …You look beautiful today!" she added, blinking at Regina.

Regina smiled.

Snow paused a moment before adding, "Can I kiss you?"

"You are such a little brat!" Regina huffed.

"I was just kidding! I love you and Leopold." Snow laughed merrily.

Regina sighed. "Okay, okay. He's going to be home any minute. You can wait if you want."

Snow thought about it for a moment. "Mm. I gotta go. You'll tell him I stopped by?"

"…Of course." Wouldn't Snow be back later? She lived there, after all. Well, Regina didn't particularly care.

"Bye." Snow turned and walked out.

"Bye, Snow." Regina rolled her eyes as soon as she left. God, everyone was so annoying! She was alone in the world.

Only two minutes after Snow left, Leopold walked in. Regina immediately pretended to be happy to see him, standing up and smiling.

"Hi babe," Leopold greeted, pulling out a dozen red roses from behind his back. "These are for you."

Regina calmly took them, unfazed by the gift. "Thanks honey, they're beautiful." She gave him a kiss on the cheek before asking, "Did you get your promotion?"

Leopold's expression darkened immediately. "Nah." He grunted, walking over to the couch and sitting down. Regina frowned at this, heading over to join him.

"You didn't get it, did you?" she inquired, despite the fact that he'd just answered her.

"That son of a bitch told me that a curse would be cast to bring us to a new world, and I would get it within twenty-eight years!" Leopold spat in a sudden, angry outburst. "I saved the kingdom bundles! They're crazy! I don't think I will ever get it! They betrayed me, they didn't keep their promise, they tricked me and….I don't care anymore." He finished flatly, suddenly losing interest.

Regina frowned slightly. "Did you tell them how much you saved them?"

Leopold scoffed at her stupidity. "Of course, what do you think? They already put my ideas into practice! Rumplestiltskin saves money! And he is using me, and I am the fool." He gave a soft, depressed sigh.

Regina smiled gleefully. "I still love you!" she lied.

"You're the only one who does."

It was Regina's turn to scowl now as soon as she heard this. "At least you have _friends_. I didn't get any calls today." she snapped bitterly, resentful of the way Leopold kept her locked up in the castle all day. "You're right. The horse-racing business is too competitive." Wherever that random statement had come from, Regina didn't explain. She abruptly changed topics. "Do you want me to order a pizza?"

Leopold shrugged. "Whatever, I don't care."

Regina smirked. "I already ordered a pizza." She hoped this revelation would screw with his head.

But Leopold immediately brightened. "You think about everything, ha ha ha."

Regina arched an eyebrow. "What's the matter? Are you alright?" she asked, disturbed by his behavior (though that wasn't really anything new). When Leopold didn't answer, she sighed. "It's just a lousy promotion. You know what you need? You need a drink." Maybe she'd FINALLY be able to force that poisoned coffee on someone!

"I don't drink, you know that." Leopold responded. It was true. He didn't drink anything. Ever. It was one of his superhuman abilities.

Regina just gave him a condescending smile. Wordlessly, she left the room and came back a moment later with two glasses of apple cider, completely forgetting about the poisoned coffee she was going to offer him. She handed one of the glasses to him, and he stared at it suspiciously.

"Don't worry about it. It's good for you." Regina encouraged him.

Leopold would not be peer pressured so easily. He set the glass back down on the table and frowned. "You must be crazy, I can't drink this."

Smirking maliciously, Regina picked up the glass and forced it back into his hand. "If you love me, you'll drink this." She told him softly.

Slowly, though he wasn't supposed to drink anything ever, Leopold took a sip. He immediately burst out laughing. "You're right, it tastes good." he agreed.

"I know, I am right." Regina giggled. She took a sip from her own glass and continued, "Don't worry about those fuckers, you're a good man. Drink and let's have some fun!" With that, she clinked her glass against his, and they both got to drinking.

It didn't take them very long at all to get drunk off their asses – both of them were notorious lightweights. Before long, Leopold was laughing hysterically and Regina had something that looked like a man's tie wrapped around her head. Suddenly losing her balance, Regina fell back onto the couch. Leopold carelessly tossed his glass to the ground, letting it shatter.

"You have nice legs, Regina, ha ha ha."

Regina continued giggling, and pointed at him. "_You_ have nice pecs."

"I'm tired, I'm wasted, I love you darling!" Leopold exclaimed emotionally.

Even though she hated Leopold and was currently having an affair with Sidney, Regina in explicably stated, "Come on. Make love to me."

Leopold let out a weary sigh.

"Come on! You owe me one!" Regina reminded him mysteriously. Apparently, just about everyone owed Regina one. She pulled him down onto the couch with her, and Leopold momentarily sobered.

"I love you, Regina." he told her.

Regina snorted. "I love you…Leopold." She told him in return, just before they kissed.

Cheesy sex scene music played as another long, obnoxious, and completely uncomfortable sex scene followed.

That's life.


	5. Chapter 5

The next day, Cora came over for another visit.

"So I'm organizing a party for Leopold's birthday. Can you come?" Regina asked, reluctant that she had to even ask her mother in the first place. But she knew that if she didn't, Cora would find out and crash the party anyway. Her mother was so embarrassing sometimes.

"When is it?" asked Cora, dubious that Regina was competent enough to plan a whole party.

"Next Friday at six. It's a surprise." Regina sounded anything but excited.

Cora smiled. "Oh."

"You can bring someone if you want." Regina went on with a smirk. She was pretty sure no one would go to a party with _Cora_.

Thinking for a moment, Cora nodded. "Well sure, I can come. But…I don't know if I'll bring anybody. Oh, that _jerk _Doctor Frankenstein. He wants me to give him one of my hearts. My hearts belongs to me, he has no right! I'm not giving him a single one." Again, Cora was off on one of her senile rants. "Who does he think he is?"

"He's your brother." Regina revealed in an epic plot twist.

"He is always bugging me about my hearts! Fifteen years ago, we agreed those hearts belong to me. Now the hearts are the only thing that can bring people back from the dead, and he's seeing dollar signs." Cora gave a depressed sigh. "Everything goes wrong at once. Nobody wants to help me…and I'm dying."

Regina shook her head. "You're _not_ dying, mom."

"I got the results of the test back. I definitely have breast cancer." Cora informed her casually.

The news got…absolutely no reaction from Regina. She just blinked. "Look, don't worry about it, everything'll be fine. They're curing lots of people every day." she replied with an unconcerned shrug.

Cora pursed her lips. "I'm sure I'll be alright. …Oh, I heard Henry is talking about me. He is a _hateful _man. Ugh, I'm so glad I divorced him." The irony of Cora accusing her _husband_ of being the hateful one was lost on everyone present.

Already sick of hearing about her mother's problems, Regina sighed. "Don't worry about it. You just concentrate on getting well."

"Well, at least you have a good man." Cora tried to comfort herself with that thought.

Regina's expression darkened, and she was unable to stop the outburst that happened next. "You're wrong," she blurted out. "He's not what you think he is. He didn't get his promotion. And he got drunk last night." She paused for dramatic effect. "And he hit me."

Cora looked absolutely appalled. "Leopold doesn't drink!" she protested, outraged that her daughter would even suggest such a thing – but mostly unconcerned with everything else she'd just said. "What are you talking about?"

"He did last night." Regina conveniently left out the part about her being the one to get him drunk in the first place. "I don't love him anymore."

"Leopold is your financial security, you can't afford to ignore this." Cora stated firmly.

Regina shrugged dismissively. "Yeah, okay mom. Can I just talk to you later?"

Cora scowled. "You don't want to talk to me.

"I just got done talking with a peasant, and I have to get ready to meet him." Regina sighed. It was so hard being a queen. "Can I just talk to you later?"

"Okay," Cora agreed, disgruntled. "I will see you later. Bye bye, now." And with that, she disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Regina left soon afterwards.

Once everyone was gone, the TARDIS appeared in the middle of the room. Oswin Oswald and Captain Jack Harkness snuck out of it, giggling.

"How much time do we have?" Oswin asked seductively.

Jack shrugged. "I dunno. Uhhh. Couple hours, at least?" No one would possibly find them in the royal palace until then.

They both sat down on the couch. "Then let's have some fun." Oswin said with a grin.

Jack opened a random box of chocolates. "Did you, uh, know? That. Chocolate? Is the symbol of love." He took one out of the box with a smile and fed it to her before they began to casually make out on the couch for no particular reason.

Oswin suddenly pulled away. "Arms up!" she told him. Jack put his arms straight up in the air as if he were on a roller coaster. Oswin took his sweater off before feeding him another piece of chocolate. "Chocolate _is _the symbol of love."

Jack just continued chewing the chocolate obnoxiously.

Suddenly, the door opened, and both Oswin and Jack leaped to their feet. Cora and Regina had walked through the door!

"Hello…" Cora greeted, blinking in confusion. Regina giggled hysterically as she continued, "What are these characters doing here?" Why would Doctor Who characters be in a Once Upon a Time fanfiction?

"They like to come here to do their…homework." Regina replied, thinking up the most plausible lie she could.

Cora raised an eyebrow. "What homework?"

"Mom, this is Oswin's boyfriend, Jack." Regina said, quickly changing the subject. "Jack…this is my mother."

Jack held out a hand politely. "It's a pleasure to meet you."

Cora completely dissed him, not acknowledging the hand being offered to her. "Mm."

Jack panicked. No one had ever been so rude to him before! Not knowing what to do, he quickly darted out of the room.

"Uh huh." Oswin said randomly before following him.

Regina waved after them brightly.

"Ugh," Cora groaned once they were gone, heading over to the couch and sitting down. "Killing Daniel wore me out."

Regina was about to respond when Snow charged into the room. "Hey Regina!"

"Hey Snow." Regina glanced at Cora. "Snow, this is my mom. Mom, this is Snow."

Cora eyed her disdainfully. "How many people come in and out of this castle every day?" she asked, apparently oblivious to the fact that Snow was the princess. "This is worse than Wonderland!"

Snow looked from Cora to Regina helplessly and gave a sheepish shrug. "I just need to borrow some sugar." she explained uneasily.

"Help yourself, Snow." Regina sighed.

"I also need a cup of flower and a new stepmother." Snow added.

"Doesn't your home have a kitchen?" Cora snapped.

Terrified by Cora's presence, Snow coughed slightly. "I'll come back later." she told Regina before running back outside.

Once she was gone, Regina sighed and sat down next to Cora.

"Tell me, what does Snow do?" Cora asked.

Regina ignored the question. "Leopold wanted me to be Snow's stepmother. It's really a tragedy how many kids out there don't have mothers. When Snow turned eighteen, Leopold found her a little cabin in the woods and he's paying for it until Snow becomes queen. Leopold really loves Snow, even though he doesn't say it much. He's like a father to her." Actually, he _was_ her father, but Regina was too busy giving pointless exposition to get the facts straight. "I told you, Leopold is very caring about the people in his life. And he gave Snow her own set of keys to our palace. Even though it's her palace too." Regina sighed. Her opinion of Leopold seemed to have momentarily changed. Even though she'd just set he'd hit her.

"Please don't hurt Leopold." Was all Cora had to say to that. "Now if you really don't love him, so be it, but you should tell him." _And stay married to him anyway_. Cora thought privately.

Suddenly, the door opened and Jack ran back in. "I forgot my – uh – book!" He grabbed it off the table and quickly tried to reach behind Cora. But Cora was too quick for him, grabbing the item he tried to snatch. It was a pair of boxers.

"What's this?" Cora laughed.

"Oh that's nothing!" Jack grabbed them before running off again.

Regina giggled again and Cora threw out both of her arms in exasperation. "Homework?"

"Don't worry about it." Regina said.

"If I were a burglar, you would be my best friend." Cora smirked. She had a point. The security around here did seem ridiculously low for a royal palace.

Regina shrugged. "Look, I don't want to talk about it."

"You know I worry about you." Cora sighed. "I have to go home."

"Okay mom." Regina said.

Cora blew her a kiss. "Bye-bye." She said before poofing out, leaving Regina alone with her thoughts once more.

"Oh my god." Regina groaned. Life was rough.


	6. Chapter 6

Meanwhile, Snow was busy playing out in the woods when suddenly…an ominous shadow loomed over her. Snow stiffened, sensing danger. She slowly turned around to see…Rumplestiltskin, or 'Rumple-R', if you were going by his street name.

Rumple-R did not look happy. Immediately, Snow was nervous. Rumple-R was known as an underground magic dealer, and he'd given Snow a couple of potions recently. But all magic came with a price – and Snow still hadn't paid up. She'd promised him her first born child. And she wasn't even pregnant yet!

Tense silence lingered between them as Rumple-R approached. "Hey Snow."

Snow nodded. "Rumple-R. I've been looking for you." she lied, forcing a smile.

Rumple-R did not look impressed. "Yeah, sure you have. Do you have my baby?" he asked, getting straight down to business. He'd waited long enough, had given her enough chances.

"…Yeah, it's coming." Snow lied again. "It'll be here in a few minutes."

Rumple-R clenched his jaw. He was so done with Snow's bullshit. "What do you mean, 'it's coming', Snow?" he growled, getting all up in Snow's grill. "Where's…my baby?"

Snow tried hard not to show her ever-rising fear. "O-okay. Just give me five minutes…"

Rumple-R crossed his arms angrily.

"Just give me five!" Snow insisted.

"Five minutes?" Rumple-R repeated, his rage beginning to boil to the surface. "You want five fucking minutes, Snow? You know what, I haven't got FIVE FUCKING MINUTES!" Suddenly he grabbed her, conjuring a crossbow in one hand and pointing it to her head.

Snow screamed and whimpered as Rumple-R leaned in to whisper. "I'm going to ask you again, Snow. Where's my baby?"

"I don't have a baby!"

"Where's my baby, Snow? WHERE'S MY FUCKING BABY, SNOW?! DID YOU LOSE MY FUCKING BABY?!"

"I swear to god, it's coming!" Snow sobbed.

"WHERE'S MY FUCKING BABY?!"

"Put the crossbow down!" she pleaded.

It was at that moment, conveniently, that Leopold and Sidney stumbled upon the scene. They'd decided to take a walk in the woods that day because they were best friends. They had been attracted by all the commotion.

As soon as he realized what was going on, Leopold charged at Rumple-R with Sidney close on his heels. Together, they wrestled Rumple-R away from Snow. Sidney wrenched the crossbow from his hands as the struggle continued.

Suddenly, Regina and Cora were there. "WHAT'S GOING ON SOMEBODY HELP!" Regina screamed.

Still working together, Leopold and Sidney began dragging Rumple-R out of the woods. "Let's take him to the police!" Leopold suggested.

"YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD." Rumple-R threatened as he was dragged off.

Regina and Cora, meanwhile, ran over to Snow. "Snow! Are you okay?" Regina asked frantically, grabbing her shoulders. "What did that man want from you?"

"Nothing." Snow choked.

"Oh, that was not 'nothing'!" Cora snarled.

Regina, inexplicably, was sobbing hysterically by this point. "Tell me everything!"

Cora just continued to make it worse. "You have no idea what kind of trouble you're in here, do you?" she snapped.

Snow took a shaky breath. "I owe him my firstborn child."

"What kind of child?" Regina gasped.

"I owe him a baby!"

"What kind of baby?!"

"Everything is okay, he's gone!" Snow was about to snap under all the pressure.

"Everything is _not _okay! Snow, that is a dangerous man!" Cora told her.

Snow scowled. "Calm down, he's going to jail!"

Regina, however, was still hung up on the baby. "Snow, what kind of baby? Just tell me!" Was it a baby human, or a baby goat? A baby dragon or a baby armadillo? There were so many options!

"What do you need a baby for?" Cora scoffed. She'd never thought much of being a mother.

Regina rounded on her. "Mom, please, Snow is with me and Leopold!"

"A man like that, with a crossbow! My god!" Cora was appalled.

Regina ignored her now. "Snow, look at me in the eyes and tell me the truth." she pleaded. "We're your friends."

Snow gulped, gathering her courage to admit what she'd done. "I bought some magic off of him." She confessed. Everyone gasped. "Things got mixed up, I didn't mean for this to happen!"

"Snow!" Regina sobbed.

"But I don't have it anymore!" Snow reassured her.

"What kind of magic, Snow?!" Regina asked now.

"It doesn't matter, I don't have it anymore!" Snow insisted.

Cora puffed herself up. "It doesn't _matter?_ How in the hell did you get involved with magic? What were you, giving it to him? Selling it to him? Where in the hell did you meet that man?"

"WHAT KIND OF MAGIC DID YOU USE?!" Regina had finally snapped.

Snow stepped back. "It's nothing like that!"

Her words did nothing to calm Regina's panic. "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" she screamed.

"I just needed some magic to do some stuff!"

"How many babies do you have to give him?" Regina demanded.

"This is not the way you get magic!" Cora sniffed.

"HOW MANY?!" Regina screamed again.

Now Snow was crying too. "Stop ganging up on me!" she howled miserably.

Cora sneered viciously. "Well it is time someone ganged up on you, for God's sake! A man like that! Where in the hell did you meet a man like that?" She asked for what was probably the thousandth time. Regina continued to bawl.

"It doesn't matter!" Snow wished they would just mind their own fucking business!

"It matters a great deal!" Cora shot back. "A man holds a crossbow on you, you almost got killed, and you expect me to forget that?"

"You're not my fucking mother!" Snow wailed.

"You listen to me, little girl…" Cora snarled, using her own magic to make Snow levitate in the air.

"No!" Regina shook Cora violently, causing Snow to drop rather painfully back down to the ground. Regina ran over and hugged Snow while they both cried, and Cora continued to harp on in the background.

"Somebody had better do something around here!"

At that moment, Leopold ran back in and joined the group hug. "Are you okay, Snow?"

"I'm okay."

"Are you okay?" Leopold asked again.

Snow blinked. "I'm okay!" she repeated.

Cora scoffed, not even noticing that Sidney was suddenly behind her. "What's okay? She's using magic!"

"Come on, stop! It was a mistake." Sidney huffed.

"A mistake? That she used magic?" Cora snorted.

"Let's go home." Leopold sighed.

"Come on, it's clear!" Sidney insisted, resting a hand on Cora's shoulder.

Intent on causing as much drama as she could at this point, Cora shrugged him off. "What's clear? I am going to call the police!" she threatened.

Regina rounded on her again. "Mom, stop! It was Snow's mistake! Just stop!"

"Aw." Cora scoffed as Sidney finally succeeded in leading her away, leaving only Leopold, Snow, and Regina in the woods together.

Leopold frowned at Snow. "Why did you do this? You know better, right? _Why?_" he demanded.

"I'm sorry!" Snow whined.

"You know better, Snow. You almost got killed." Leopold pointed out unnecessarily, wrapping an arm around his daughter.

Snow sniffled. "I'm sorry. It won't happen again, I promise."

"Snow, you know that Leopold's like your father." Regina stated randomly. Snow looked over at her, blinking in confusion, while Leopold just sort of closed his eyes sorrowfully as Regina continued, "And we're your friends. We're going to help you."

"Let's go home." Leopold sighed, and all three of them returned to the castle.


End file.
